I hadn’t been there in over five years, July 2011. I actually wrote about it here. I only made it there a few times, not to return because as far as I was concerned it had nothing on my fave. I really had no intention of returning there but I moved this summer and there’s some renovations going on at the park that I now frequent. I decided last Saturday to give it whirl again. It was a fairly cool morning considering the heatwave we’ve been in since like March???? It was cloudy, which was even better at least until I started walking.
It had been so long that I didn’t remember what the trail was like, was it hilly, covered in trees. I didn’t know until I got out there. I saw some things that rang a bell. The big red barn, the disc golf stuff, which I still didn’t have a clue about, and then something I couldn’t put my finger on. I started feeling cross, a little bit sad and heavy, I started to remember what landed me at this park those years ago. I was looking for something, I was looking for me.
The last time I was there I had just been through a year of hell. Those who know me well know that I have a flair for the dramatic, but what I went through wasn’t drama, the struggle was very real. I had been in a depression like I had never experienced in my life. I was trying to piece myself back together and 2011 was what I call the between. I was leery, weary and white knuckling through. I was at this point carrying the heaviness with a smile on my face, I wasn’t on the verge of tears all the time, but I was still tired. Being out on the trail last Saturday brought all of that back. I FELT IT. It was uncomfortable.
As I did five years ago, I powered through, this time briskly walking. As I kept moving I remembered the pain, I remembered the year after when I nose-dived again, and the year after slow recovery. As I moved faster, my mind moved faster, right out of the pit. I thought about all of the good things that happened since then. I thought about how hard I fought to get it together, I thought about all the support I had, the soft gentle kind and the girl get your s**t together kind both of which worked for my good. I thought about all the BLESSINGS that have come into my life since then and felt overwhelmed again. Then I was finished.
I went to go stretch on some stairs. There was a hawk sitting on the fence near me. I snapped a few pics of him with my phone, stretched some more and then the sun came out. I felt complete and whole and absolutely happy. I thought that it was the distance that kept me away all these years, it wasn’t, it was my head. As has been the case many, many times I had to work through some stuff out on the trail and I’m so glad I did. In fact so glad that I went back a couple of days after and guess what? The day was perfect, seasonable and sunny, just like my disposition.
Until next time, see you on the trail, where I’m always working out something 🙂
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